I Never Felt Peer Pressure to Drink Until I Joined the Episcopal Church
The tragic death of Tom Palermo grips me. So sad...and there is no going back. The consequences for his wife and children, family, and friends will be felt and lived every day of their lives. I'm also gripped by complex and, at times, conflicting feelings about Bishop Heather Cook. The consequences for her will also be felt for the rest of her life -- she will probably go to jail for a number of years; she will be disciplined in some way by the Church as our process goes forward -- but more than this, she will live with the reality that she killed someone while drunk. The texting is beside the point. The drinking led to unsafe driving practices.
In news stories and comments that I have read, I'm hearing about the need for accountability, and indeed there is a need. In fact, some are posting audio of a sermon given by Heather Cook, in which she speaks of the need for people to be accountable in a society that often wants to give people "a pass." (Well, that is true if one is white, college-educated, and well-spoken.) But what about accountability for the Episcopal Church?
Perhaps the Angel in the Alley, the grace to be known in the darkness, will be a serious look at how the Episcopal Church relates to alcohol. And perhaps, Episcopalians and others who struggle with issues of alcohol dependence and alcoholism will seek help, and/or be offered help.
Sure, we in the Episcopal Church have official policies about having alcohol at Church gatherings. We say that "equally attractive non-alcoholic beverages" be at church events when alcohol is present. There is the official position, but what is the culture in our Church and in our churches?
I never felt peer pressure to drink until I joined the Episcopal Church. Let me give you a few examples of what I mean. So many times at church events, when I am offered a glass of wine or a beer, and I decline...immediately the person follows up with, "it's ok, you can have a drink." I usually have to refuse the drink two or three times before the person will let it go. During an interview process for a position in a church, I was offered a drink by a vestry member during the social time before dinner. When I stated that I was "good" with the water I was drinking, this vestry member stated, "We like to drink with our priest." I didn't get that job.
There is culture in the Episcopal Church of drinking and being proud of it. Now, I'm not saying that drinking is inherently wrong or that no one should drink, but we need to be aware of the messages we are sending by how we act around alcohol and what we say about it. It is easy to drink too much in the Episcopal Church; the over-all culture encourages it. Many times at Diocesan conferences, Council/Convention, I have seen people, leaders in the Church, hungover the next morning.
The Episcopal Church's culture around drinking did not do Bishop Cook any favors. I pray that those who read this blog, which I acknowledge is just my personal point of view, ...I hope and pray that if you are struggling with alcohol you will consider getting help...and I hope and pray that the Episcopal Church will develop a culture that takes seriously the need to support those who choose not to drink, for whatever reason.
33 comments:
Well said and very thought provoking. Thanks, Hillary
Carol Lefevre
Thank you for your thoughtful and so on-the-mark comments. This is an issue that clearly needs to be addressed more often than it is.
Laurie Ryan
You are spot on, Hillary. And what is to be said about the decision to not share Bishop Cook's history of drinking, driving and being arrested for it? A diocesan Search Committee and an Episcopal Search Consultant also played a role in this tragedy. What happened with our commitment to tell the truth in search processes? As a biker in a family of bikers I grieve with the Palermo family. As an Episcopalian I grieve our lost integrity. I am shattered by so many aspects of this tragedy.
Thank you, Hilary. In my years as a state psychiatric chaplain, I worked with many struggling for their lives against addiction. I too have taken notice of the blind eye we too often turn to alcoholism/addiction in the church. I agree that the church's permissive/enabling culture did Bp. Cook no favors. Ignorance and/or denial about alcoholism may indeed have enabled her to be elevated to Bishop, while avoiding the hard work of recovery. // Speaking of such matters, I hear that there used to be a Committee on Addiction (or Alcoholism) in the Diocese, and have also heard that efforts to reconstitute such a body have met with either resistance or simple apathy. Maybe this is an opportune time to do something positive in that regard.
One tiny error: "...conflicting feels about...."
It is actually quite easy for a parish to establish and maintain a protocol that dos not include alcohol. Easy, that is, if the leadership takes the matter seriously. We have been members of several Episcopal churches in several parts of the country that have never served or allowed others to serve alcohol at parish functions. Not that it would have helped in this instance, as the bishop was not on her way from such a function.
Thank you for this thoughtful piece. As someone who joined the Episcopal Church as an adult, I have always been surprised that there is a cultural text that says we cannot have a social event without alcohol. I'm certainly not against drinking, but I think our churches could be a place that differs from the rest of our culture by offering social interaction opportunities not involving the use of alcohol.
I never thought much about this, but this blog raises the issue. I am a recovering alcoholic, Episcopalian, and my small orthodox church rents a space in a liberal baptist church. Guess what? We can't have alcohol at our gatherings. The BAPTISTS take a stand against drinking, and these are liberal Baptists. At least one member drifted away because we have not had alcohol except in the sacrament for years. I'm not making a stand, I'm just very interested in the topic now. Thank you.
We agree. This is a concern for Episcopalians, Roman Catholics, and others. Thank you for your brave comments and your continued guidance at Holy Comforter. --Richard & Kathleen
Thank you to my editor -- I'm always happy to have help with spelling and typos. And many thanks to all who are making comments. You may be interested to know that this blog post has had more views in one day than I've ever had before, over 600. In some ways, I did not expect this sort of response, to what I thought was common knowledge. But I guess we have not been talking about it much recently.
Perhaps being a Presbyterian PC(USA) while working eleven full-time years gave me a pass so that I did not get the kind of pressure - not to mention that part of my church background includes both Quaker (Friends) and Southern Baptist, neither of which gave me any such pressure.
Excellent post, Hilary.(And I've never read your blog before because I didn't know about it.)
You are so right about the drinking culture in our church, though I think it mirrors the wider culture. I don't think I've felt pressured to drink at church functions, but I certainly have in plenty of other situations. I've never understood why that should be. Why should someone else care whether I have a drink or not? My suspicion is that we aren't as comfortable about our drinking habits as we pretend to be, so we either ridicule others who aren't drinking or try to get them to join us.
Several years ago I was vicar of a small congregation in the Shenandoah Valley that had never permitted alcohol at any functions, and that practice continues. Once or twice a couple would choose not to hold their wedding reception there, but other than that, folks just accepted that that was the way we did things. And, God forbid that I should ever be seen drinking in the community!! People might drink, but clergy must not, period. It was a very different expectation, but it was all right, and for the nine years I was there I honored it.
I should also say that we as a church do a very poor job of addressing alcohol abuse, whether of clergy or laity. I once went to my bishop because of concern over a colleague's drinking. Nothing happened then, and later, when some members of the congregation became concerned, the senior warden and vestry refused to do anything. Only after the priest retired did things come to light that probably wouldn't have happened without alcohol.
I didn't mean to go on so long, but this is a subject I feel strongly about. As the daughter, sister, ex-wife and mother of alcoholics, I've seen the damage the disease can do when it isn't taken seriously.
I feel like this issue is coming out of the shadows.
Exactly Hilary. Just follow Twitter and comments from clergy - tee-heeing about getting drunk. I am not opposed to alcohol but the culture we have around it is not good.
Dear Hillary, I agree with most of your remarks, insightful and courageous blog. The Episcopal church grieves with the Palermo family as well as embraces Bishop Hook's family. There is a reality, many churches and communities in the Episcopal church are struggling with some members that are alcoholics or drug addicts (among other addictions)--at least this is my case. I serve in a prayerful and faithful community where at least one family member is an alcoholic or known an alcoholic or drug addict. My prayers are with the Palermo Family as well as the Hook's Family.
Hi Hilary --good post. (Good to 'find' you here!)
I think it is good to remember that alcoholism is a whole 'system,' part of which is denial.
As a church as a whole, I think we are very much in denial --denial at how much whole congregational systems are loaded with this disease --denial at how much and how often our conventions and other meetings are loaded with this disease (I am remembering in particular certain events at Shrinemont, for example --especially at clergy retreats)...
--and denial in our ability/desire to face the disease as a whole --the disease is not just on the shoulders of those who drink. Every one is neck-deep in it.
I think if we, as a church --as a sign of repentance, as an act of contrition, humility, love --decided to ban all alcohol from church functions, except for those functions which are liturgical, we would be shocked at the backlash. There are those among us who could not, would choose not, cannot imagine doing 'without' for any reason even for the sake of another --one of the first signs of addiction.
I gratefully walked in to sobriety with my beloved in 1996. Once our eyes were opened to the disease process, the symptoms, the behaviors, many things alarmed us --not the least of which was the breadth of the disease in so many places of the church.
But, one cannot force acknowledgement of the disease... unless there is an intervention --well done, lovingly done, supportive.
Perhaps it is time for those us who are walking together in sobriety --those of us who continue to know and live Resurrection lives on the other side of the deadly disease of addiction, to begin to 'name' what we see --in the church, in our congregations, in our dioceses.
--but, frankly, that feels fearfully dangerous... and isn't that a shame.
I grieve for all involved in every facet of this tragedy. And I pray.
The first congregation I served qua rector had had an alcoholic priest three rectors prior. The damage he wrought still echoed twenty years later. That congregation had a no-alcohol policy because they had lived the craziness. The next congregation I served was accustomed to having wine at gatherings and I said no. They lived with it. The current congregation does not have a written no alcohol policy but, again, I will say no. Not having it to me is hospitality. Besides, alcohol is not a necessity. I have been quiet in the many comments in the aftermath of this particular tragedy, but shall chime in on this one point. And, yes, I was surprised at an interview with a search committee that they were all on their second beverage (alcohol) when I arrived for my interview... I did not partake.
It seems to me that the sensitivity to these issues was fairly sharp in the late 70s and early 80s in congregations I was involved with in the Diocese of Washington but has slowly eroded over the decades in the church overall. As daughter, former spouse and relative/friend of many alcoholics I grieve deeply over Mr. Palermo's death and for our church community.
Thanks again for everyone's comments. We have now had 1,938 views of this post. FYI.
Thanks, Hilary, didn't know you had a blog until someone posted it on my partner's facebook page. I joined the Episcpal Church when I was thirty and I remember the rector at my intern parish having staff meetings and serving martinis (which I had never had and didn't want). He said, Oh, we always have martinis at staff meeting (which was at his house). I also had to finish the chalice for him after communion because his hands shook so much!
I always offer grape juice and wine at communion. Fortunately when I was rector of Christ Church on Capitol Hill, a member of the Diocesan Recovery program was my senior warden for a while. WE had a Recovery Sunday every year to raise awareness. I'm thankful for that.
Thank you for your thoughtful post on this difficult subject. Peace, Judith
I once arrived early for a meeting with a Congregational minister, and as I waited I read an article posted on the church bulletin board. It was titled something like, "Why we serve water instead of wine at the Communion table".
I remember that the article referenced Jesus' act of changing water into wine at the wedding in Cana as a sign of God's abundant overflowing love, and something about trusting Jesus to do the same in the Eucharistic celebration. I remember marveling at both the wisdom and the faith reflected in those words. Imagine: the real presence of Christ together with this sign of God's abundant overflowing love!
The real hospitality would be to have alcohol but NOT push it. At my church the wine sits right next to several clear soft drinks and a cranberry juice. What goes into your "wine" glass is your own business. Once there it's hard to tell by looking what is ginger ale and what is chardonnay. The church needs to do a better job of intervention and pastoral care, especially for clergy. A number of years ago I was in a parish with an alcoholic priest who broke into the sacristy and drank the entire bottle of communion wine. He was clearly impaired at some services and was drinking his way to an early heart attack with high book pressure. We tried to get our bishop to intervene and he refused. As soon as he retired we went to the new bishop and he arranged an early "medical" retirement for the priest, but that still left the alcoholism untreated.
Thanks for bringing this forward. I don't think many are aware of the impact that alcohol drinking in the Episcopal Church has on some and their dependence of it to relax after work or before bed. Plus the struggle of the alcoholic to be accepted in that environment and still remain in recovery.
Maybe it is possible to bring something positive out of this utter tragedy. It is estimated that as many as ten thousand people die every year in the US because of drunken driving. The Episcopal church now has the opportunity to become a leading voice against this evil, which kills many more of us than died on 9/11, VIetnam or Iraq.
This does not surprise me at all. Many outsiders view the American Episcopal church as nothing more than a social club for wealthy, privileged, liberals. Its no wonder then that your church meetings are indistinguishable from a country club cocktail hour.
Hmmm. This does surprise me. My experience is the 3 Episcopal church to which I have belonged for the last 46 years is not like this. There has never been any alcohol served at any official meetings and there is sometimes wine available at social gatherings. I tend to drink water and have NEVER felt any pressure to drink anything else. The tenor of these posts is that the Episcopal Church is singularly a pusher of alcohol. I don't really think this is true.
Hillary, beautifully written post. As a fellow priest, I can say I have never personally experienced any pressure from anyone in the Episcopal Church to drink. That said, just before I was ordained, I felt I should have an alcoholic beverage that I could drink in social settings, so I tried to learn to drink Scotch without making a face. I was unsuccessful in my few tasting attempts. But when we were talking at Council this came to mind as an example that yes, even if it is never overt or direct, there is a culture of drinking in our Church that we need to be mindful of. Thank you for your words of courage.
Peace, Ann Truitt
I've personally been struck by the fact that alcohol is offered during Episcopal services.
I'm so pleased to find this posting about "Alcohol and the Episcopal Church."
I located it while checking information for our next Vermont Episcopal Bishop.
I've been reaching out for years for a discussion about this issue with Episcopal Church leaders and have not yet been able to muster up a meaningful exchange on the subject.
It would mean a lot to me to be able to talk and share with people who understand the adverse impacts on people who identify as alcoholics and their loved ones.
Thank you
I've personally been struck by the fact that alcohol is offered during Episcopal services.
I'm so pleased to find this posting about "Alcohol and the Episcopal Church."
I located it while checking information for our next Vermont Episcopal Bishop.
I've been reaching out for years for a discussion about this issue with Episcopal Church leaders and have not yet been able to muster up a meaningful exchange on the subject.
It would mean a lot to me to be able to talk and share with people who understand the adverse impacts on people who identify as alcoholics and their loved ones.
Thank you
Thanks to all who have commented over the years.
I'm a teetotaler and always was, always will be.i had one sip of wine at Eucharist years ago and even that gave me a headache and made me wobbly. I honestly and truly don't understand why people like to drink. Soda, fruit juice, and water are delicious. To my fellow teetotalers, a fervent "congratulations!" And BTW, Pepsi-Cola is an anagram for Episcopal. I like that. I love Pepsi, strawberry soda, Mountain Dew, and Mello Yello. And as I said earlier, I also like water and fruit juice.
My parents hardly ever drank, only socially, once in a while, and no more than one glass. In my large extended Catholic family (I was baptized Catholic and converted to Episcopalian in 2017) there is only one alcoholic, and she's trying very hard to quit. I am so happy that she's trying to quit.
I was so relieved to discover this ongoing discussion. I am new to the Episcopal Church and thrilled about my experience. Wine has just been added as a part of the Eucharist Celebration. I am a recovering alcoholic was at a total loss on how to participate in this beautiful service. I am so grateful to know that there is an exploration of the impact of alcohol on those of us in recovery, as well as those who need it. Many thanks!
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